17th
37. Hollywood
Good morning, everybody! I realize it’s been a few days since my last update, but I didn’t realize that I was lying… in a pool of my own filth. Now I’m back, fresh out of (yet another) stint in dairy-related rehab. And I tell you what- those Holsteins are fucking brutal. Don’t ever let ANYONE tell you cows are pacifists- I have the hoof-marks on my nutsack to prove otherwise.
Actually, that’d make a pretty good movie, right? Something funny, maybe with Seth Rogen or somebody- guy gets addicted to dairy products, gets shipped off to “dairy rehab”, anthropomorphic cows beat the head cheese out of him, and in the process he learns about love, life and how they make half-and-half. Not bad for off the top of my head, eh? See, Hollywood? It really is THAT easy. But apparently coming up with an original idea is more difficult than finding a beer in Utah, because all the movie news I’ve heard about so far this year has made me about as hard as Eating Food for Dummies™.
Now, I’m not what one might call “talented”, or “good looking”, or “sober”. I’m an unemployed hack who goes to community college. And yet I just cranked out an idea for a comedy faster than watching my bottle of Adderall disappear the last time I let Lindsay Lohan crash at my house. Seriously, I’ve never seen someone dislocate their jaw before. Okay, once, but it didn’t count because lube and muscle relaxants were involved.
So what gives, Tinseltown? Why do you keep squeezing out turd after turd? It’s not like you’re all hitting the SAME taco bar at the SAME Sizzler, is it? Honestly, it can’t be that hard to come up with a movie idea that either:
- Isn’t totally a fart sandwich (i.e., horrible)
- Hasn’t been done to fucking death already
- Isn’t a goddamn remake
- Isn’t based on a video game
- Isn’t directed by Uwe Boll
So what the hell, dudes? Why is it so (seemingly) intractably difficult to make a movie that’s actually good? And don’t give me those tired shit excuses like “Oh, Hollywood’s controlled by Scientologists” or whatever. If that were true, none of us would think that Tom Cruise was certifiably feces-hurling crazy. Or your same bull about “Well, test audiences really responded to this one”. Guys, don’t listen to test audiences or focus groups. Most people in America don’t exactly have what I’d call “taste” or “critical thinking skills”. In fact, most people in America are gibbering goddamn moe-rons who think Fox News pumps out actual news. And you let these intellectual giants decide how a movie should end? Where the funny bits are? That’s like asking my five-year old niece if she understood the ending to Lost. All you’re gonna get back is, “Where were all the PONIES?!”
I suppose the real reason Hollywood keeps cranking out horrible (or at best, mediocre) films is because we as entertainment consumers haven’t learned to go, “Hey- this is crap and I don’t want it. Take it away and bring me back something good.” No- we just keep eating and eating, with no regard to whether or not the end product is actually decent. I know this is somewhat of a recurring theme in these rants, but if you want things to be better (and I know I do), you have to be willing to turn your nose up at what’s being given to you. Case in point:
Now, I’m not sure exactly how many of you are planning on seeing this, but if you are, you are the reason these movies exist. The endless diarrhea mill of Hollywood thrives because of you. What’s that, you say? You’re better than that? Gonna see a movie with “depth” like this one instead?
Oh, so you think because it won a wheelbarrow full of awards and accolades, it’s going to be good? You’re an idiot. I’ve seen the trailer for this, and it doesn’t look funny at all- it looks fucking creepy. And this is coming from me, a guy who’s been too busy masturbating to the images on the Golden Girls forums to write this shit!
So in summation- Hollywood makes shit movies, but apparently because that’s what we keep asking them to do. Doesn’t sound like this problem is going away any time soon, or that my script “Dairyvention” will be made into anything more than a fucking doorstop. Shame, too- the cheese sex scene would’ve been awesome.
