14th
9. Running Your Fucking Mouth
Before I get into this, here’s some backstory about me: I’m 32. I just (and I mean like, two weeks ago) returned to college after a seven-year break after being fired from my shitty (albeit well-paid) tech support job. Now, instead of making money like a productive member of society should, I’m back in school, re-learning shit I’ve forgotten thanks to the modern advent of late-night informercials and huffing gold spray paint. Needless to say, I’m taking college a bit more seriously this time around, especially since my unemployment claim was shot down (and more on THAT particular gold nugget in a later rant).
Now that that’s out of the way, here is a letter I wrote in my own blood and then burned to ash in a circle of black candles in the middle of the woods on my way home from class today.
Dear Creepy Old Guy That Sits Next to Me In Math Class:
Shut up. Right now. Shut your goddamn mouth. Shut it! Right fucking now. Stop talking or I’m going to grab you by your greasy ponytail and slam your face right into the table. Got it? Just nod, don’t talk.
I SAID JUST NOD, MOTHERFUCKER! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Look, I don’t know what your deal is. You look like a UNIX admin, you sound like you have Asperger’s (which you probably do, making me the asshole here), and you’re distracting the shit out of me by opening your yap and saying whatever the hell flits across what passes for your mind. Every six seconds, in fact. Yes, I timed you. Yes, that IS fascinating. I know. Yes, I- no, I didn’t time anythSHUTYOURFUCKINGTRAPFORTHELOVEOFGOD!!!!!!!
I know that being a “non-traditional” student sucks. You think I’m enjoying this shit? I’m only 32, and there’s a lot of time I feel like the creepy old guy in class. I get that you saying things like “It’s not supposed to make sense, it’s math!” every time the teacher shows us an example is probably your way of trying to make friends, or “be social”, or whatever. Okay? I get it. It’s hard. But you’re not making it any easier. For me. Also, quoting the Simpsons at random intervals during the practice midterm? The least you could have done was picked ones that aren’t quoted to fucking death. No. You know what? The least you could have done was NOT SAID ANYTHING AT ALL! FUCK!!!
But you. You. For some unknown fucking reason, you will. Not. Shut. The. Fuck. UP. I don’t know why you won’t, and I don’t much care. Even after the teacher came over and said “Hey, can you keep it down? You’re starting to get a little excited.” What did you do? You ejaculated nonsense rambling out of that suppurating Cthonic anus you call a mouth, terminating with “I can’t help it, okay?” You had better goddamn well LEARN to help it, Black Bolt, because you’re fucking up my education and at this point I doubt I’m going to get another crack at this.
Okay? We understood? All I want you to do is shut the fuck up. And I’m not even asking you something unreasonable like “I don’t want to hear ANYTHING!” If you have a question, ask. It’s cool! It’s math, it’s not for everybody, and if you have a question about the material, ask. What I DON’T WANT is to hear you: attempt to crack wise/Simpsons quote/complain/ask people how their weekend was/make another fucking “observation” about the class, oh, I don’t know, every SIX FUCKING SECONDS. YOU’RE COSTING ME AN EDUCATION, YOU IDIOT.
You are perilously close to becoming the fourth person I’ve been forced to use a stapler on. So shut your yap before someone (okay, me) shuts it for you. My education and your teeth depend on it.
Kisses,
Randy
PS- you ask me what my favorite Care Bear is one more time, I’m gonna cut your ponytail off. Swear to God.
