13th
42. Your Cheap-Ass Napkins
All right, all right. I suppose I should write something before I lose any more followers. However, today I’m staring down the barrel of four classes’ homework, waiting to hear back from a potential employer (for a position working- you’ll love this- security at a porno shop), and the ever-growing pile of filthy laundry Mrs. Randy needs me to do while she toils away at her fabulous job as a hand model. So before I ignore all that and waste the entire day playing Minecraft, you’re getting this abortion of an article. Rejoice!
As some of you may have gathered from reading previous installments, I’m your general keg-shaped fat fuck. As such, I require a lot more calories than your average skinny person to do everyday tasks, like hosing off my muumuu or cleaning lost TV remotes out of my countless layers of flab. Luckily, modern cuisine has adapted to this need, and come up with tasty solutions such as the cheeseburger, the bacon cheeseburger, the double bacon cheeseburger, and the Luther Burger (a double bacon cheeseburger with Krispy Kreme doughnuts instead of a bun). In other words, I’m what you might call a cheeseburger cognoscenti, if you were a character in one of the Godfather movies. So I’m always on the lookout.
However. If you’re a restaurant that serves these delectable treats (or if you’re a fellow fatty like myself), you’re probably aware of the fact that a cheeseburger- when cooked and topped correctly- is kind of a messy thing to eat. And in and of itself, that’s okay! Americans on the whole actually like their food to drip and ooze stuff out the sides; after all, this IS the country that looked at the Oreo and said, “You know, this is good, but I know how to make it AWESOME. MORE FILLING!” And lo, the Double-Stuf Oreo was born. But I digress.
So we like messy food… provided the napkins at hand aren’t four atoms thick. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about- you’re eating something greasy (which probably tastes delicious), or you get “mystery sauce” all over your hands, and you reach for the nearest napkin or paper towel to try and contain the fallout… only to discover a gossamer sheet of the most ethereal fairy’s wing that’s fully incapable of absorbing anything worse than a dirty word. Seriously, how can ANYONE who owns a restaurant expect their customers to use less than 47 of these fucking things at a time?!
Look, I know running a restaurant isn’t easy, or cheap. I get that. I can certainly appreciate that you’re looking for the best deal on supplies, especially when the economy sucks like it does and people are eating at home more often. I get it! But if you’re going to buy the cheapest, thinnest, most useless napkins since the Shroud of Turin (HEY-OOO), don’t give me your fucking dirty look when I use a sweaty fistful of them to mop up the “meat juice” I’ve slathered all down the front of myself. Okay? This is YOUR fault for selling delicious food and shitty, shitty paper towels. It’s like telling a house guest that you don’t use towels after a shower- only toilet paper.
As always, I can tell what you’re thinking, Internet Reader. ”Christ on a shit cross, Randy, why don’t you just stop shoving greasy food into your gaping maw?” And I answer you, NICE TRY, DOCTOR. I can totally tell it’s you. I told you, you’ll get my cheeseburger when you pry it from my COLD, GREASY HANDS!
So, probably like a month from now. Six weeks tops. Anyway, I’ve wasted enough of your morning. I’ve got something… lodged somewhere, and that goddamn TV/VCR button is really starting to dig.
PS- Help me get the phrase “ass napkins” spread around! All the cool kids are saying it! AIDS!
