30th
41. Holy Balls, WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS
Hey everyone! I’m currently at school, in between classes waiting for the hobos outside to stop digging through the trash so I can have a turn “diggin’ fer gold”, and reflecting on a thought I just had- probably brought on by a possible E. Coli bug from “eating my way to riches”. In today’s installment of my never-ending dissatisfaction with everything on Earth, we’re going to discuss personal hygiene. Namely, yours- or your LACK OF IT. That’s right, we’re going to talk about how you smell like raccoons fucking.
Now, maybe I’m just paranoid or some kind of “germophobe” (even though that’s not a real fucking word). It’s possible that because I’m full of nothing but Adderall, coffee, nicotine and sugar (or “Magical Wake-Up Moon Food”, if you live in Japan) I’m hyper-aware of the amount of disease the average person totes around on their bodily extremities in a given day. It’s a possibility, I’m not denying that.
But! If I’m say, in the men’s room washing my hands for the fortieth time today and I see you come out of a stall where you were busy making noises (and smells) like a drunken farm animal, do us ALL a favor. Wash your goddamn hands. Use soap. Don’t just zip up, check your douchey hair in the mirror (with your germ-ridden paws), sling your man-purse over your shoulder and walk on out to your Genital Poetry 153 class with Dr. Vagina. WASH YOUR HANDS!
“Hey, Asshole Who’s Right,” you say in weak protest. “I DO wash my hands!” Oh, really? That a fact? Well now, Sunny Jim, let’s take a good, hard look at your “sanitation technique”.
Here’s what I see happening:
- You come out of the aforementioned stall, or away from the urinal (or as I like to call ‘em, “mini-toilets”- usually when I’ve been drinking).
- You RUN over to the sink, like you’re late for class or you want to get the image of your neon-green urine stream out of your head as soon as possible.
- Without even glancing at the water faucet, the first thing your filthy mitts touch is the soap dispenser.
- You then FINALLY discover the faucet, and with your cupped hands so you don’t spill any soap, you nudge it to one side to turn it on.
- In the most egregious fucking up of a simple process since your parents bought you Velcro shoes so you didn’t have to learn how to tie shoelaces, you proceed to rub your hands together for 0.68 seconds under the running tap, with your dime-sized dot of Dial in between.
- As soon as you don’t feel any soap on your hands, you shut off the faucet, grab a paper towel, wring your hands together and throw the used piece of tree on the goddamn floor.
- I try not to touch ANYTHING in the restroom, resorting to opening the door with my elbow hitting the handicapped person switch, resulting in dirty looks from passersby.
- I silently wish your death from some sort of fecal-borne bacterium.
As much as I see this at school, I saw this kind of lip-service bullshit ALL THE TIME at work. All these important managers, deciding the fates of the company, the people that worked there, improving profit margins, didn’t know how to wash their fucking hands the right way. Are you really so GODDAMN IMPORTANT that you can’t take an extra 20 seconds and use soap like those fucking primates you called parents taught you? REALLY?! I doubt that very much- if you mattered much to oh, anyone at all, you’d be doing important work instead of some kind of middle-management in some dickhead company. NOW who’s incompetent, I ASK YOU!!!
Okay. Back on track. You all are filthy and diseased. And again- perhaps I’m biased. Maybe I worked in a newspaper darkroom for a bit too often as a younger man, up to my elbows in chemicals that I’m pretty sure cause cancer in laboratory researchers. Maybe I spent a bit too long doing that, and I got into the habit of washing my hands a little too vigorously. Or maybe I just don’t want to… oh, let’s just say, I don’t want to “re-eat” something, if you get me. Still don’t follow? Okay- I WANT TO MAKE SURE MY HANDS ARE CLEAN AFTER I JUST FINISHED EXPELLING WASTE FROM MY BODY. I can’t make it any clearer than that, folks. And I certainly don’t want your fucking germs invading ME just because you’re too goddamn dumb to do something you learned when you were four years old the right way.
So do us ALL a favor. Go wash your hands. Right now. Step away from the computer, or put down your phone, and go find a sink with hot water and soap. Turn the tap on, let it get warm, and get your hands wet. THEN apply the soap. Rub your hands together and build up a good lather. Do this for more than 0.68 seconds. THEN stick your hands under the tap and rinse off the soap. Turn off the water with your elbow or a towel. Then you can go back to whatever fucking idiot thing you were doing.
I can’t fuckin’ believe I have to explain this to people.
