26th
40. Looking For a Job
Hey everybody! I’ve been so great this past week or two, I can’t even begin to describe it. Eating out of dumpsters, fighting hobos for cigarette butts in the rain, sleeping fifteen minutes at a time because I’m afraid the railroad dicks will find me… oh yes, let the good times ROLL!
Okay, putting the irony shovel aside for a moment, life’s actually been pretty goddamn crappy lately. School’s started back up, along with my hemorrhoids- and if things continue like they have been, that’s going to be the ONLY kind of heat we’re gonna have this winter. And I tell you what, that’s something NOBODY wants. In short, I’ve been looking for a job… and finding dick.
That’s right! Apparently there’s NOTHING out there. Where’d all the jobs go? I don’t know! It’s probably got something to do with the economy being in the toilet; I’m not a smart man, so I can’t be sure about this. All I know is I’ve been scouring Monster, CareerBuilder, craigslist and BearGigolos.com looking for work, sending out resumes and blood test results- and received less than the leftovers after a Sunday dinner with the Duggar family (seriously, there’s like an army’s worth of them).
Now, I’m a full-time college student. That’s my main priority these days, aside from downloading all the back issues of Man Gravy Magazine illegally. I know that limits my availability somewhat for potential employers. But fuck, I even applied for a job at fucking Starbucks a couple of weeks ago, and got a deafening roar of nothing in return. STARBUCKS, for chrissakes! The economy better pick up soon, or we as a country are proper fucked. I hope you look forward to having to sell your parents’ bones to the Chinese to be made into chopsticks, because that’s where we’re going.
Hilarious semi-racist jokes aside, it’s tough out there. I know I’m not the only one hurting right now. Good people- lots of good people- are feeling the bite. Wondering how in the hell they’re going to keep the lights on, or buy gas to get to work, or how they’re going to feed their screaming brat kids (although if they’re that hungry, they’re probably too tired to be screaming). And if there’s a more soul-sodomizing, demoralizing, dissolve-you-from-the-inside-out activity than job hunting, I’d certainly like to hear about it.*
*Note- I actually DO NOT WANT to hear about anything worse than this, because if you smartass little shits start talking about Tibetan monks being buttfucked with the end of some soldier’s AK-47 or women in the Middle East having less human rights than most livestock in America, I just might go hang myself in the toilet.
Thanks to this process, I’m convinced that I’m altogether a worthless fecal construct of a person, and that I’m not really good at anything. I KNOW at least that second one is bullshit, because I have a resume with a bunch of crap on it. And it’s all crap I did! I think.
Basically what I’m getting at here is the sense of worthlessness and despair that comes with not working for seven months will do to a person. Or the quiet desperation that manifests itself in the form of you jumping up like Pavlov’s meth-addicted dog when you actually hear back from someone about an interview. Not to mention cut into my time writing about having sex with farm animals and complaining about all the stupid shit everybody else on the planet does that makes me want to choke the life right out of them.
Yeah, that’s right- the less time I spend trolling job listings, the more time I can spend crafting such bon mots as “motherfarting shitfuck of a Duggar”. I’ve either been busy looking for a job, or being bummed out because of my negative sixty eight dollar checking balance- neither of which lends itself to writing these things.
So here’s the deal. And believe me, I didn’t want to do this, because I fuckin’ HATE when other people do. See the little brown box up at the top of the page? If you like reading what I’m doing…
*wince*
… please consider dropping a dollar or whatever in there, so I can keep doing it. I sure would appreciate it, and in return, you get to read about my exciting travails through life and how people who don’t wash their hands the right way after taking a shit in a public restroom ought to be put to death.
*exhale*
Yes, that was the last of my pride and dignity going out the window. Jesus, I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world right now. If anyone needs me, I’ll be hanging out in the mens’ room at McDonald’s… watching the sinks.
