October 2010
1 post
42. Your Cheap-Ass Napkins
All right, all right. I suppose I should write something before I lose any more followers. However, today I’m staring down the barrel of four classes’ homework, waiting to hear back from a potential employer (for a position working- you’ll love this- security at a porno shop), and the ever-growing pile of filthy laundry Mrs. Randy needs me to do while she toils away at her...
September 2010
3 posts
41. Holy Balls, WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS
Hey everyone! I’m currently at school, in between classes waiting for the hobos outside to stop digging through the trash so I can have a turn “diggin’ fer gold”, and reflecting on a thought I just had- probably brought on by a possible E. Coli bug from “eating my way to riches”. In today’s installment of my never-ending dissatisfaction with everything on Earth, we’re going to discuss personal...
40. Looking For a Job
Hey everybody! I’ve been so great this past week or two, I can’t even begin to describe it. Eating out of dumpsters, fighting hobos for cigarette butts in the rain, sleeping fifteen minutes at a time because I’m afraid the railroad dicks will find me… oh yes, let the good times ROLL!
Okay, putting the irony shovel aside for a moment, life’s actually been pretty...
39. 9/11 Truthers
Hey there, true believers! I know it’s been a while, but I’m back with a fresh batch of Adderall and a list as long as your daddy’s pecker of shit that needs hating- so let’s get started, yeah?
Sadly, I (inadvertently, I promise you) picked today of all days to return from my self-imposed exile of trolling craigslist looking for work, and by work I mean “adult...
August 2010
1 post
I'm Not Dead, You Pricks
Hey, everybody! How was your summer vacation? Good? Didja go down the shore with your Uncle Fritz and softly cry to yourself while he was busy playing “Doo-Doo Hole Treasure Hunt”? That’s great, really.
I’ve been quite the busy little beaver this past month or so; between the fat camp my rich overweight parents sent me to and all this Brazilian tranny porn I’ve had...
June 2010
5 posts
38. No, You CAN'T Have A Fucking Cigarette
Good evening, children! I’m taking time from my busy schedule of summer classes (which was a dumb idea, considering I could be working instead of wondering what the fuck possessed me to take a full load of credits) to bring you this Very Important public service announcement. Okay, public service bitching. Still, it’s important, so pay attention.
*ahem*
Unless I, Randy of Shit...
37. Hollywood
Good morning, everybody! I realize it’s been a few days since my last update, but I didn’t realize that I was lying… in a pool of my own filth. Now I’m back, fresh out of (yet another) stint in dairy-related rehab. And I tell you what- those Holsteins are fucking brutal. Don’t ever let ANYONE tell you cows are pacifists- I have the hoof-marks on my nutsack to...
36. Being Broke As Fuck
Hey there, kids! I’m pleased to announce that Finals Week is now over, which means more savings for you! Unfortunately, it also means that I’m currently suffering from a case of stress-related hives, but whatever- you can’t make an omelet without breaking some red, irritated areas on your skin. I’ve also got a shitload of new readers- like, I’m well over two...
35. M. Night Shyamalan
Oh shit! My ad went up, which means I should probably take a break from my self-imposed exile on Fuckass Island and actually, y’know… write something. So if you’re new to the site, welcome- here’s hoping you enjoy swearing and infantile jokes about bodily functions. If not, then I don’t know what you were really expecting with a title like “Shit Randy...
34. Finals Week
Hey, kids! I just wanted to send out a quick note to everybody (the seven of you left) still reading my “writing”- I haven’t ignored you or stopped altogether, so don’t worry. Daddy’s sorry, he’s just been a little busy with school lately. Daddy still loves you, baby. Why are you crying? Aw, Daddy’s sorry. He didn’t mean to make you cry. Come...
33. The Final Countdown Is Now Playing In Your...
The other day, some friends and I were lunching in the best steakhouse/strip club Portland has to offer, the Acropolis. It may not be the best steak you’ll ever have, but it’s the best steak you’ll have for six bucks- and that’s no lie. Now, this being a Thursday afternoon, the place was only about half-full with two or three dancers strutting what God and their plastic...
May 2010
14 posts
32. Everything Funny Has Been Done Already
Today I was putzing around the house waiting for Coed Vixens 8 to come on the pay-per-view and making a Totino’s pizza, when I heard my goddamn dog whining to be let outside. Knowing full well that all she wanted to do was run around the backyard and bark at absolutely nothing, I capitulated and let her out anyway. I then started to wonder about what to write next, and it hit me-...
Recommendation? →
Y’know, technically speaking, it is still Tuesday- if you guys wanted to recommend me for Tumblr’s humor section, I’d be okay with that. Just sayin’.
31. The Westboro Baptist Church
I realize that this is a bit of an obvious choice, seeing as how these guys are actually inviting people’s hatred… but come on. I’d be remiss in not devoting at least one post to these shitbags. And as loathe as I am to give these fucks the attention they so obviously crave, I can think of no one at the moment more deserving of hi-octane hatred than the Reverend Fred Phelps...
30. This Fucking Cold
Hey, faithful readers! I’m currently writing this update on my phone while tarrying at the Mayo Clinic, being treated for a virulent strain of space herpes. Or I could just be hiding in bed, sucking on a lemon cough drop and waiting for my morning shot of Nyquil to kick in. Either way, I just wanted to let you all know that I’m not dead (yet), and that the Hate will resume as soon as I’m back up...
29. The One You Call Tyra Banks
Hey there, sports fans! I apologize for the gap in between updates- I took a short (and I do mean short) sabbatical at a writers’ retreat out in the woods, where I stayed in a cabin with no internet, cell phone, or TV, and worked on my novel while mute Trappist monks silently left small cruelty-free meals outside my cabin twice a day.
Okay, fine. I was busy drinking whiskey mixed with...
28. Ding Dong, Jesus Calling!
I know I said I didn’t want to get into religion here, and I still don’t- but my sweaty, sausage-fingered hands have been forced here, brothers and sisters. So yeah, we’re gonna get into it. Why now? I’m glad you asked.
A few hours ago, I was watching a movie at home with the ever-lovely Mrs. Randy and some friends, when there was a knock at the door. I was surprised, mostly...
27. The Fact That Oprah Is Right About Something
Believe me, children, this is NOT a post I would have thought I’d be writing. Normally I think Oprah is a ridiculous human being, albeit a filthy fucking rich one. But still, ridiculous woman. And it’s not that I hate Oprah; she doesn’t really have any impact on MY life (except when Mrs. Randy has the remote, and then I never hear the fucking end of why we should paint the...
26. The Asshole Ripping Off My Site
This one’s going to be relatively short, people. I just found out that some fuckwit on Tumblr is egregiously ripping off my shit and passing it off as his own. And no, I’m not talking about “reblogging”. I’m talking about him copying my posts word for word and changing all the places where it says “Randy” to his own name. I’m not going to link...
25. Your Shitty Taste in Music
Okay, if you’re a regular reader of this site, you’re probably thinking, “Hey Uncle Daddy, what the fart? Didn’t you just talk shit about the Black Eyed Peas the other day while I was wearing my skinny jeans, eyeliner and sticking a rolled-up 30 Seconds to Mars poster up my Jared Leto-hole?” Yes, my androgynous young friend, you are correct. What I want to talk...
24. Saturday Night Live
While I was pouring myself a sixth bourbon and root beer float earlier, two things happened at once.
My gout flared up BIG TIME, and
my secret lover Television displayed yet another ad for Saturday Night Live, with Betty White hosting.
For the past few weeks, I’ve had to endure people chit-chatting about one of the Golden Girls and whether or not she was gonna be on this piece of shit...
23. Those Goof-ass Amazon Kindle Ads
“Let’s go on a magic trip, full of clouds and weak music; where you can talk about your band, in Imagination Land; let’s be all gay, cause we’ve seen Juno one time too many.”
Oh, hello there! I didn’t notice you because I was too busy coming up with new words for the song in the fucking ridiculous-ass Kindle commercial on my TV they show every two shitting...
22. Fuckin' Wes Anderson Movies
Yeah, you read that right. Not a typo. I think Wes Anderson, his 2% milk movies, and the subsequent careers of Owen and Luke Wilson are shit we could ALL do without. Oh, so it’s fine when I go after duckfaced broads or people hating on the gays, but when I start skewering your sacred cows, off you go in your skinny jeans and vintage blazers, with the Kinks playing softly in the...
21. Living "Green"
I’m not what you could call a “meteorologist”, or “weather expert”, or even “smart”. I’ll freely admit that there’s much about the latest hot-button issue of climate change that I don’t really know a fucking thing about, in fact. I do know one thing, though- I’m sick right up to my compost hole of television, advertisers, my...
April 2010
78 posts
20. My ADD
When I started this website, I figured making a list of shit that pissed me off was a never-ending fount of hilarious middle-class white rage. Boy, was I wrong. It’s not that the well has run dry; believe me, I still hate plenty of shit. Putting a fine enough point on it to make it worthy of public viewing, though- that takes time. Too bad I have the time management skills of a...
19. Getting Old as Shit
If there’s one thing I can’t change, it’s the fact that time moves forward and not backward. If there’s two things I can’t change, it’s that and the restraining order against me, but I will make you love me, Dairy Queen.
Now, I’ll go out on a limb here and admit that I’m a bit new to “blogging” (which still sounds like a futuristic...
Anonymous asked: why do i want to fuck you?
Mailbag is OVER
All right, children, that’s enough for one day. Keep those questions coming, though- they’re the only way I can get an erection any more!
Anonymous asked: I hate telemarketers and debt collectors that call at all hours of the day even when you are not the person they are looking for. How long does it take for them to realize that the deep-voiced man on the other end is not some chick named Stacy?
Anonymous asked: The Census Bureau using Dora the Explorer...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E17zgAr6_E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E17zgAr6_E
Anonymous asked: randy, i want your potential children inside of me.
Anonymous asked: randall, here's another one i hate a lot!!! I hate it when people say "no offense but..." and then proceed to say something completely out of line and/or on something that isn't their place to comment on. But, because the prefaced the statement with "no offense but...." they feel that whatever offensive/out of line thing they had to say was clearly fine to say. ...
fruitr0llup asked: what do you hate the most?
ghostjuke asked: i hate how i read that if u don't masturbate or have sex for 35days ur balls explode cuz they build up with ejaculation n when i look at my 60 year old priest i think his balls blew off cuz i dnt wna picture him playin with himself
wolvesandzombies-deactivated201 asked: I hate it that when I'm talking about your website, I say without even noticing: "shit Andy Rates"!
Well but I've got the perfect excuse: english is not my mother tongue.
Well but I've got the perfect excuse: english is not my mother tongue.
Anonymous asked: Number Twelve - Raping The English Language.
By far the funniest and most relevant rant post I've ever read. You're a legend.
By far the funniest and most relevant rant post I've ever read. You're a legend.
Anonymous asked: What is "EVOO"?
Anonymous asked: Basically, this is the best site ever, and you perfectly capture my hatred of society.
Anonymous asked: This is amazing. I was on the "Anti Duck Face" website, and a post told me to go here. Best day of my life!
Anonymous asked: the double down KFC sandwich. *shiver*
Anonymous asked: Oh no sir this is not about shit I hate, at least this time it is not. Thanks for the rant about OCD and thank You even more for the mention of ADD at the end. I have severe ADD. The only reason I managed to read most of the rant is because I take more amphetamines a day (for ADD, I can only wish I was Hyperactive) than most people take in a decade. I still have serious symptoms. Holy Fuck do...
acciopussy asked: Something I DON'T hate is you, because you can kick your followers right in the ass and not give a shit about it. Okay.
omaiga asked: So my blog is one big hot pocket
ruffajamaica asked: i hate NAGGERS..i mean what do they want anyway..you're saying NO the whole time and won't leave you alone.gaaaaaaaaahd.and we hate the same shit abt ppl telling they have OCD when in fact they don't :O
Anonymous asked: I hate people that want others to pity them.
Anonymous asked: Fake bisexuals.
goodlyrottenapple asked: Do you hate the Decemberists?
millygutierrez asked: I hate flame wars.
Anonymous asked: I fucking hate people that are irresponsible pet owners and do not heed Bob Barker's advice to have the spayed or neutered. Do you know what happens to all the cute little kitties and puppies that your ugly pit bull has? They end up at the shelter, euthanized, or here, at my house, since I am one of those bleeding heart types that can't stand to have to scrape puppy guts off my street....
Anonymous asked: I just read your entire blog and laughed the whole time. You sir are comedy genius.
Oh and has anyone actually send you any nudes?
Oh and has anyone actually send you any nudes?